he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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