So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
