GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
