Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
