Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
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