Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
