I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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