Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Randomize
