I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
