Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
