Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Randomize
