alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
