SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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