She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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