It was confusing and full of hummus
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
you never un-have a 4some
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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