He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
