my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize