i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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