remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
