Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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