Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I wish there were birth control emojis
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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