If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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