I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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