I think I am morally bankrupt
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
