I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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