if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
