i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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