I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
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