I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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