I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
You may now shotgun with the bride
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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