if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
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