Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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