There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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