farters have to be the big spoon...
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
What a dumb baby whore.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
