I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
