plz talk dirty to me
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
