I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
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