When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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