dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Randomize
