I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
