Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
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