Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I didn't shave. On purpose
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
