Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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