One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Randomize
