the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
