is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
