she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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