how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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