The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize