I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
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