Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
