I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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