I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
