I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
