I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Randomize
