Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
my nose is crying tears of wow.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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