I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
